I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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