He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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