Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
