He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
