we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
