Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
