I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
