The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
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