a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
