So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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