I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sext me about skeletons
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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