i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
