Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
