My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
