Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
