Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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