It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
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If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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