Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
