The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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