I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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