it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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