Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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