Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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