mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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