she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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