So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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