I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
