I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
