my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
