you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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