I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
