The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
