Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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