Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
