Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
