I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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