It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
