Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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