I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
