Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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