i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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