So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
