My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize