tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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