I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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