Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
