No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
