there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
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I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
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All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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