If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
