i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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