U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
