4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
